Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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