There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
