wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
