3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Someone signed my nipple.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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