I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
