I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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