I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How external is "for external use only"?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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