Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm too high and old for this...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
