You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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