she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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