i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
