I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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