Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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