Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
