this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You left your phone here
Wait...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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