He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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