do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
