have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's always time for handjobs
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
