i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
