Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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