my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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