My hand turned me down
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
