I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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