I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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