one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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