Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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