Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
