Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
