he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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