you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
