she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
