Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I could make wine with my vomit
smell my finger.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
