Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
