the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
