im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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