So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
