we have officially lost it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
