Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
