I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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