Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
