I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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