at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
