Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
