I want to make a zoo with you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
