What did we do last night that was yellow?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
