Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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