just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
