he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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