He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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