We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
