Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
